Sarcastic Horoscopes

I didn't write these (but I did correct the typo's cause as a Virgo... I had to... the power of Virgo Compelled me!)... But yeah would say these are right on!

Aries

Aries have ram-like eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens’ “Hard Headed Woman” was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don’t discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers’ wombs. This may even involve roller blades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you’re Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios’ dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams’ horns are in everyone else’s asses.

Taurus

You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you’re up, the next you’re down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, “just ‘cuz.”. You’re very earthy, which may mean that you don’t shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won’t come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can’t get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God.

Gemini

Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it’s more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you’re finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for “I’m okay, I’m okay.” Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently ambidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius.

Cancer

You like to know what’s going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what’s going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as “erratic.” You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone’s savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there’s a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies’ Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke – they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho’s and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often – all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you’re probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be “tactful”. The word for this is actually “shiftless”. Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans.

Leo

You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can’t find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Over-man in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching “Entertainment Tonight”. Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, “radical cult leader” is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don’t worry about hanging posters–Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls.

Virgo

You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word “Virgo”. Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because “the bastard had a filthy car”. The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there’s something under the fridge. But it’s usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don’t see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They’ll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don’t put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo’s refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of “The Shining”. After that, he went all Leo.

Libra

You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can’t make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don’t understand. They single-handedly started the cappuccino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don’t eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lame turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CD's they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all.

Scorpio

You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they’re going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o’ Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It’s no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won’t get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be “I’m sorry, what?” Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it’s automated, they can hack it.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvestism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don’t ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they’re sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there’s a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip.

Capricorn

Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ass. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he’s all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he’s overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can’t overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nit-picky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don’t want to live in a world like that. The nation’s cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin’ Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don’t involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don’t have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns

Aquarius

The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia’s image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase “Dude, man…” frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they have been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don’t think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians.

Pisces

Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in “The Velveteen Rabbit”, it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don’t be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won’t tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want “honest criticism” of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don’t like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they’re talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don’t like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

Beautiful People Meet A True Dom!

48 Things Slaves Should Not Do

1. I will not hum the theme from Jeopardy while Master decides which implement to spank me with.
2. I will not annotate Master’s “To Do” list.
3. I will not applaud when Master uses big words.
4. Master’s dog does NOT stink.
5. I will not genuflect at Master’s erection.
6. Master does NOT hog the bed.
7. I will not refer to Master’s kitty as “snake food.”
8. I will not snigger at the pronunciation of Master’s commands.
9. I will not perform a ventriloquist act with Master’s penis.
10. I will not imitate Master’s accent.
11. Master’s chair is not to be used to pile my clutter.
12. I will keep my leopard print sheets laundered so that Master is not subjected to “those flowery things.”
13. I will not yawn while waiting for Master to climax.
14. I will not chew my collar.
15. I will not giggle during paddling.
16. I will not propose letter grades when Master belches.
17. I will not snarl when Master asks me to share my chocolate.
18. I will not tell Master he has permission to fuck me.
19. I will not say “good boy” to Master.
20. I will not make shadow puppets in the candlelight while Master is tying me up.
21. I will not critique how Master ties me up.
22. I will not masturbate after Master falls asleep.
23. I will not go out-of-state when borrowing Master’s car during lunch.
24. When Master is kind enough to bring me a cup of tea, I will not call him “the tea fairy.”
25. No matter how much Master adores me, he does not get down on his knees to do so.
26. I will not yell at the other slaves.
27. I will not change the settings on Master’s alarm clock.
28. I will not deliberately mispronounce words to confuse Master.
29. It is unlikely that Master pushed all the covers onto my side of the bed so he could shiver all night.
30. If I don’t like the settings on Master’s car radio, I can drive my own car.
31. I will not tell Master to go away.
32. I will not accuse Master of being gay when he arranges his driftwood in “artistically pleasing ways.”
33. Or his candles.
34. Or his doilies.
35. I am always the spankee; I am never the spanker.
36. I will keep my greasy fingertips off Master’s computer screen.
37. I will not eat Master’s leftovers without permission.
38. When asked how many spanks my misbehavior warrants, I will not answer using fractions.
39. I will not write on Master’s back the night before his doctor’s appointment.
40. I will not play connect-the-dots with Master’s moles.
41. I will not make lengthy “to do” lists for Master.
42. On second thoughts, I WILL applaud when Master uses big words (this overrides rule 3).
43. Hooting and whistling, however, is excessive.
44. Master is the judge of whether or not I am a moron.
45. I will be spanked if I leave the caps off Master’s pens.
46. If it becomes obvious that I’m deliberately leaving the caps off Master’s pens, I will not be spanked. Even if I beg.
47. A warm Master is a happy Master.
48. I will not hoot with laughter when Master accidentally whacks himself on the back of the head with the flogger.

His

Bright blue eyes that stare from above
Piercing my soul, my heart, my life
My eyes drop, submissive love
His gaze so sharp, an invading knife
A word from His throat booms,
“Mine” he says, with such command
His arms strong, my encasing tombs
Grab with whole intent and demand
“Strip!” the words ring in my ears
No way to ignore, I obey
Standing, legs quiver with fears
Shear slip drops little delay
Eyes to the ground I shiver
It’s not cold, but I still shake
I am His, to deliver
To teach, mold, love and make
A whisper so soft to hear
His hot breath near my ear and neck
A bite comes next, so severe
She fades into a little speck
Fading now, into blackness
She is awakened by his grip
A breast in hand almost weightless
He brings His sharp teeth to the tip
Biting down, bloody trickle
A scream of pain, or delight?
Is it death and mighty sickle?
No, the slave in her has no fight.
She falls limp, in His iron hold
And allows Him access to her all
Her delights to Him unfold
As His hands feel and enthrall
Sensitive peeks and valleys
His hot hands feel and invade
She moans low in finale
He smiles at what He has made
Her back arches, slowly bends
And eyes roll back and slowly close
He sends her, so she transcends
The slave He embraces she knows
That her release is not allowed
Despite her pleading tear filled eyes
She looks up, He is so proud
Her wanton needs part her sweet thighs
Her hips grabbed hard as He took
What was His, taking her some more
She shuddered with hard need and shook
Watching Him bend, letting out a roar
He enters so her slowly,
Her hips reaching, and greeting
Moaning from within, lowly
A joining hot and completing
Her throat encased in His grasp
Her air His to give and to take
Her fingers reach at his clasp
Her eyes wide open, and awake
But her soul flew above them
Floating and soaring in that space
He looks down, seeing His gem
Holding her in a tight embrace
“My treasure, my pure love, CUM!”
At that moment she writhes to him
Together their hearts will drum
Her soft legs wrapped so tight and prim
His treasure He holds in arms
The are joined as one in love’s soul
Kept total, safe and out of harms
She is complete, now His, now whole

The Lion

The Lion strode through the Halls of Hell;
Across his path grim shadows fell
Of many a mowing, nameless shape
Monsters with dripping jaws agape.
The darkness shuddered with scream and yell
When the Lion stalked through the Halls of Hell.

The question is... do the hall's... lead him home?

come here...

Come here, girl.
Kneel before me & spread your thighs.
It's not the collar, It's not the bite of a chain.... It's the fire in your senses: darkness panting in your brain.
I'll take you here & now.
You don't deserve a bed. I'm not your husband or your brother. not your father or your friend.
I'm the itch you cannot scratch.
I'm the rip you cannot mend.
Leave that on.
You're always naked in my eyes.
I'm the hand around your throat.
I'm the thrill you long to feel.
I'm the moment of your peak, I'm the one who makes it real.
Lie down.
Open up.
I'm already in your head.
Fear me.
Hate me.
Curse me.
I'm the one who makes you whole.
Want me.
Crave me.
Need me.
I'm the author of your soul.
Submit to me.
~Anonymous

Me

This was written by a very dear friend of mine. One that has been through some times, and one that helped me through my own... I truly hold him dear to me... and his words ring very true here.  Thank you "O" for your friendship and guidance in times when I needed them.

ME  

Yesterday you saw me

Not just the physical me,

But the true me.

I let you see my naked soul,

Though you weren't the first,

You won't be the last.

Just as my walls were finally rebuilt,

You made them crumble and tilt.

As I was feeling safe in my tiny little shell,

You blew my heart all to Hell.

You are not to blame,

For it was I who brought on my shame.

Even though we just kissed,

Your true beauty I just couldn't resist.

When I look into your eyes,

It made me want to die.

Because what I started to see,

Was the lonely mirrored image of ME!

A Dom needs his sub....let me count the ways.

I found this and it hit me heart and soul... I wish that most would read this and take it to heart.

sharing a wonderful writing found on Fetlife and shared with permission from the write--this is amazing read about Doms.
DLG/PocketPet

A Dom needs his sub....let me count the ways.
I am a different sort of Dom. I'm a sensitive person and I feel incomplete when I don't fell like I am wanted. I need to feel sexy, appreciated and loved as the only man in the world. I feel pain and I do not feel good if I feel like a disappointment. My heart aches when I feel like I am not good enough. Building my confidence will pay off in spades. Doms need their subs. I know this isn't typical Dom-ness. I'm just me.

I will enthusiastically respond to you and your playfulness. I will cherish you. I will admire you. I will gain the confidence to wash away any hesitation that keeps me from being Dominant at times. I will praise you. You will be my sun and moon, the air I breathe and the star I wish upon. I will always love you, deeply,adoringly and without reservation. You will be my princess and I will respect you as the other half to my soul. I will please you in every way I know how and learn what I don't know. I will be honest and faithful. I want to see you smile in the knowledge you make me happy. When I feel Dominant, Ill do things to surprise you. I will find ways to make you swoon in bliss. I will do nasty things that you and I love. I will do everything in my power to protect you and strengthen you in success. You are my favorite thing.Ever.

My old fashioned demeanor tells me I should not do things that are unsolicited or wanted. My brain feels lost sometimes. How do I change this? I want so many things...But what do I want in return from my sub? How can my sub instill in me the confidence to be who I am, who I need to be and who I want to be? I am sure this sounds weak and "non Domly" but I am not weak. I have this beast inside of me that I fear to set free without "the right time" or "the right mood". I know that I am expected to make the right mood, to make the right time. To make the experiences happen. Right now, I need things first. Lets do this as a team.

• Make me feel wanted
• Ask me to get out your symbols of ownership, like collars,ankle bells or cuffs and tell me you want to wear them
• When I start to give you attention, respond in a sexy way so I know you are interested in play
• Talk to me about creating a scene or planning a sexy night of various activities
• Think about what I want and take steps to please me
• Think about what you want and communicate openly
• Realize that if you want me to be a good Dom, be a good sub.
• If I am insecure, build me up
• If I am tired or stressed out, initiate intimacy
• Forget the past, its negative influence and treat each day as an opportunity to make me smile, as I do for you.
• Give me your heart, all of your heart and show me there is no other like me.
• Don't be critical of me if I am in a mood and get brutally Dominant, it stops me when I want to do those things again.I know you don't want that. I don't like to second guess myself.
• Be playful
• Wear things I've bought you without me asking
• Know that I WANT to give you pleasure
• Know that I need to feel like we are both getting what we want from each other
• Understand me with my weaknesses so you can give me strength
• Be my lil pet and seek attention when you want attention
• Help me learn things I don't know about by communicating before and during something new
• Help me to openly become the man I am and you will not have to lend me so much strength later down the road.
• Accept me for who I am and who I can be, if encouraged.
• I need you, my sub. D/s is a two way street...Take my hand and lets walk together.

– MasterArtist73

Winter Magic / Enchanted Winter

(Literal Translation)
Of my children the dearest one is this stage
Where the moonlight on its alleys advances
Bent sprig, summer in the care of
The White Ocean so wide
Which with the wings of a ghost moon
Arrives to retrieve me home

Upon the wintry earth, a moment like eternity
Which with the paws of a kitten to me creeps
Here at the tale’s roots I may live, where
A violin of vast longing
Its eternal melody paints
With its song awakens the Earth
_______________________________

(Lyrical Translation)
"Once upon a time, one dearest to me
Where the moonbeams glisten on the streetside
A lost part of summer but it's tale I can see
On the high sea's white water
On the wings of a dark moon
I only ask it for a home

Silver winter nights call time to rest still
Like a small cuddly kitten's paws creeping
Singing your story I pray reads you real
Like a violin spending all of its days longing
I'll endure til' Gaia sings along"

Blessed be...

How to Speak to a Sub Type Human and Convey Your Domly Domliness Without Being an Asshat, Creepy or Just Totally Lost and Without Social Graces

How to Speak to a Sub Type Human and Convey Your Domly Domliness Without Being an Asshat, Creepy or Just Totally Lost and Without Social Graces

Written by Whitetigerprime (link here)

This is the promised supplement to:

The Domly Dom Lord High Master of the Whole Universe and Other Places Guidance Manual
Please be advised that this supplement cannot take the place of common courtesy or common sense. We are writing this supplement with the active knowledge that both of the above are fairly uncommon and that some Domly Doms will need guidance in this area. Or a kick in head. Whichever.

Opening Communications with a Sub Type Human.

Page 1, Paragraph 1. Actually read the profile of the sub type human you would like to open communications with. Yes, the pictures are nice and they made you horny. But sending an email to another Domly Dom offering to be their Dominant because you did not bother to read the profile is bad form. And besides, if your kink is to be swinging from a chandelier while screaming like a drunken monkey and the sub type human would be driven to hide under the bed by such antics, your kinks will be incompatible.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. For the most part, many BDSM and general kinkster websites are not dating sites. They are for the purposes of learning more about the lifestyle and playing in a safe manner. Sub type humans cannot be ordered from these sites like camping equipment from a sporting goods store.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. Proper communication must be established in order to convey to the sub type human the absolute totality of your Domly Domlinessness. It is up to you, the initiator of communication, to make a proper first impression. Therefore, read the sub type human's profile, just like it says in Paragraph 1. Make sure the sub type human is open to receiving communications from Domly Doms and is not already collared, married, living in Timbuktu or some damn place and that thier kinks are at least somewhat compatible with your own.

The following are a rehash of Rules from The Domly Dom Lord High Master of the Whole Universe and Other Places Guidance Manual and are meant as guidelines for initial contact with a sub type human through email. We'll do personal communications later. Sometime.

If you needed to come here, reread these anyway. You need reminded.

Page 1, Paragraph 1. "Wanna fuck, baby?" is not a good opening line. Try again.
Paragraph 1b. "Will you be my sub?" is not a good opening line. Try again.
Paragraph 1c. Sending a picture of your dick in your first email does not work. Try again.
Paragraph 1d. Dominants of the female type may ignore Paragraph 1. c. of this section.
Paragraph 1e . Sending pictures of your vagina to a male sub absolutely works.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. If you want to get to know a sub type human, talk to them. Stalking a sub type human across the internet may be anonymous, but you won't ever get to know them. And it's kinda creepy. You need to get out more.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. Once you do decide to contact a sub type human, do not use any of the lines in Paragraph 1. That is the whole point of Paragraph 1. Except Paragraph 1e for the female Dom types. Do that. That shit works.

Page 1, Paragraph 4. If your offer of conversation is turned down, you must not have conveyed your absolute Domly Domliness in the first message. You may try one more time to communicate your true Domliness. That is, if you were not blocked after the first attempt. If you have been blocked from communication on the first attempt you probably used one of the lines from Paragraph 1. Already said that shit doesn't work. Are you stupid?

Page 1, Paragraph 5. No means no. Really. It really, really does. If your second message is shot down, you're toast. Move on. Emailing and whining at the sub type human will not enhance your Domly Domliness. It will make you sound like a whiner. Don't be a whiner. Grow up and move on. And besides, the sub type human has probably blocked you by now anyway.

Page 1, Paragraph 6. Should your Domly Domliness not be properly conveyed to the sub type human with which you have attempted to communicate the odds are very high they will chose to ignore you or reply they are not interested. This failure to communicate your Domly Domliness does not change said sub type human's name to bitch, cunt, whore or George.

Page 1, Paragraph 8. If a sub type human should choose to respond to your initial email, do not immediately begin to issue orders to said sub type human. Most of them think this is bad form and will laugh at your Domly Domliness. Others will just freak out. Many will block you. Being blocked on the email server drastically reduces communication.

Page 1, Paragraph 9. It is considered bad form to send a cock pic to a potential sub type human. Yes, you are proud of your junk. Yes, you wish to share your magnificence. Make sure your potential sub type human wishes to share this vision. Unannounced emailed cock pics often results in involuntary muscle spasms in sub type humans resulting in unintentional clicking of the block button.

Page 1, Paragraph 10. A Domly Dom may send a pussy pic at any time. That shit works.

Page 1, Paragraph 11. Don't ask a submissive to meet you for the first time in a private place, one-on-one. Trying to freak 'em out, are you? Be real. Meet in a public place. Besides, what if that sub is nuts? You really want a crazy person in your house?

Negotiations

Page 1, Paragraph 5. "Get on your knees, bitch," is not normally associated with good negotiating skills. Neither is, "Strip and get on that cross." These and other such statements should be reserved for later in the relationship. I'll tell you when.

The Domly Dom Lord High Master of the Whole Universe and Other Places Guidance Manual

The Domly Dom Lord High Master of the Whole Universe and Other Places Guidance Manual

Written by Whitetigerprime (link here)

The Domly Dom Lord High Master of the Whole Universe and Other Places Guidance Manual

By Lord HIgh Master of the Whole Universe and Other Places.

aka: whitetigerprime

Preface

I am going to start this manual just because.....yeah, just because. I'm not gonna sit here for the next 3 days writing this balderdash. So, you're just gonna have to check back on occasion and see what other idiocy I've added.

Before We Begin

There are many pieces of information a Domly Dom needs before they are ready to embark on this journey of self discovery and adventure we call BDSM. In this manual the person who is wishing to become a Domly Dom will find much of the information they need. The aspiring Domly Dom will find definitions of terms, what roles there are to play within the lifestyle, and pointers on how to act and speak to maximize your success in Domlinessness. Pay attention.

There are also many other resources available to help along this journey. A bibliography is included at the end of this manual to help further you on your journey of discovery. A bibliography is a list of books and stuff like that. Get a dictionary. That's a book that tells you what words mean.

And if you are a virgin, this manual is not for you. Go talk to your dad.

And leave mom out of it. She'll just get upset.

On Being A Domly Dom and Domlinessness

Page 1, Paragraph 1. Know thyself. Know what you want. Know what you like. Know who you are and who you want to become. Then figure out the difference between the two and a path to take between them. And if you're Bozo the Clown, get the hell out of my manual.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. Educate yourself. Just 'cause you know where to put it doesn't mean you know what to do with it once you get it there. Use whatever resources you can. Books, articles, websites, pick the brains of people you know. Read a wide range of books. Sure SM 101 is a good one for this lifestyle, but the Joy of Sex has it's place as well, and you'll learn how to do the Butterfly Technique. Women love that shit.

Page 1, Paragraph 5. Know your role. What type of Dominant do you want to be? The following are a selection of various players within the lifestyle.

*Sadist - the hurty kind of people
*Masochist - the hurtee kind of people
*Bondage-er-er- The one with the ropes
*Sensualist - the one with the vibrator and the rabbit fur. No, they don't use the vibrator on the rabbit fur. Well, they could if they're into that sort of thing.
*Dominant - You need a definition for this one? Really? Get the hell out of my manual.... Well, alright, then... Stop whining. It is not Domly. Definition: The one that tells the other one what to do. Also the one that does stuff to the other one.

*Master - Definition 1. Tells the other one what to do even more than a Dom does. Also does things to the other one.
Definition 2. One of them that has learned a lot about how to do something. Like a Master Rigger (that's a bondage-er-er), Master Sadist or a Master of the other Disciplines. Almost like going through an apprenticeship and then you know what you're doing, supposedly. Like when you get a job on a boat putting worms on hooks. After a few years, you can be the Master Baiter.
Definition 3. Being the wise old person of the group. Like some old fart up in the mountains somewhere talking to themself.
Definition 4. Someone who has never done any of this before.

*submissive - the one that Doms and Masters tell things to do. Also the one that Doms and Masters do things to. Also the one that gets blamed for everything. Also known as sub type human. Because it's funnier. Do not confuse with sub human. Those are the unDomly Dominants we are attempting to keep you from being.
*Slave – another one that Doms and Masters tell what to do. Only more so. A lot more so. Also known as sub type human. Because it really is funnier. So shut up about it and read on. This one is not to be confused with a sub human either. That is still an unDomly Dom. And you’re still not supposed to be like that.
*brats - the ones that get sacrificed to the great God Dom McMaster, founder of Domination, for being a pain in the ass. God Dom McMaster is just something someone made up. Brats are real and are still a pain in the ass.
Switch - the one that when you get done whomping the snot out of, they turn around and whomp you back. Some Domly Doms find this offensive. Other Domly Doms find it quite enjoyable. Whatever floats your boat. Do not confuse switches with either Doms or sub type humans. Switches are both and neither. They are not confused. If you are confused, don't worry about it. A switch will straighten your ass out in a right quick hurry.

Page 1, Paragraph 8. This is not a goals driven activity. It is a process, a way of doing things. Find the process that works for you. A way of being that fulfills you as a person and a Dominant and fulfills the needs of the submissive that you are doing stuff to. And if swinging from a chandelier while screaming like a drunken monkey is part of that process, well, so be it. More on the chandelier later.

Doing Stuff That Gets You Started

Page 1, Paragraph 1. Create a profile.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. No, really, create a profile. How do you expect a potential sub type human to know about your Domly Domliness without a profile? Put more into your profile than a picture of your penis and "Wanna fuck, baby?" For you female type Doms, ignore this shit.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. Thoughts on picking your online name. You will need to put careful thought into picking your online name. It should be a name which conveys your Domly Domliness without being overbearing or too obvious. Pick something that expresses the true you. MasterLordGodAlmightyPerfectAuthorityBooba is an example of overbearing. MasterLordGodAlmightyPerfectAuthority would be a more appropriate name.

Basic Relations with sub type humans

Page 1, Paragraph 1. "Wanna fuck, baby?" is not a good opening line. Try again.
Paragraph 1b. "Will you be my sub?" is not a good opening line. Try again.
Paragraph 1c. Sending a picture of your dick in your first email does not work. Try again.
Paragraph 1d. Dominants of the female type may ignore Paragraph 1c. of this section.
Paragraph 1e. Sending pictures of your vagina to a male sub absolutely works.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. If you want to get to know a sub type human, talk to them. Stalking a sub type human across the internet may be anonymous, but you won't ever get to know them. And it's kinda creepy. You need to get out more.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. Once you do decide to contact a sub type human, do not use any of the lines in Paragraph 1. That is the whole point of Paragraph 1. Except Paragraph 1e for the female Domly Dom types. Do that. That shit works.

Page 1, Paragraph 4. If your offer of conversation is turned down, you must not have conveyed your absolute Domly Domliness in the first message. You may try one more time to communicate your true Domliness. That is, if you were not blocked after the first attempt. If you have been blocked from communication on the first attempt you probably used one of the lines from Paragraph 1. Already said that shit doesn't work. Are you stupid?

Page 1, Paragraph 5. No means no. Really. It really, really does. If your second message is shot down, you will need to read the suppliment to this manual entitled How to Speak to a Sub Type Human and Convey Your Domly Domliness Without Being an Asshat, Creepy or Just Totally Lost and Without Social Graces.

Page 1, Paragraph 6. If a sub type human should choose to respond to your initial email, do not immediately begin to issue orders to said sub type human. Most of them think this is bad form and will laugh at your Domly Domliness. Others will just freak out. Many will block you. Being blocked on the email server drastically reduces communication. Please read the supplement How to Speak to a Sub Type Human and Convey Your Domly Domliness Without Being an Asshat, Creepy or Just Totally Lost and Without Social Graces. You need the help offered there.

Page 1, Paragraph 7. Don't ask a submissive to meet you for the first time in a private place, one-on-one. Trying to freak 'em out, are you? Be real. Meet in a public place. Besides, what if that sub is nuts? You really want a crazy person in your house?

Page 1, Paragraph 8. Enough of this about talking to a sub type human in here. This is a general manual. If you need more help communicating, you need to get out more and actually talk to people. But if you are stuck in your mother's basement in your bathrobe and do require further instruction on actually being able to communicate your Domly Domliness to a sub type human, please read the supplement: How to Speak to a Sub Type Human and Convey Your Domly Domliness Without Being an Asshat, Creepy or Just Totally Lost and Without Social Graces.

Play Time or What this shit is really all about, for some folks that is

Page 1, Paragraph 1. No means no. Really. It really, really does. We keep saying that. Didn't your momma teach you the meaning of no?

Page 2, Paragraph 1. When a sub type human starts screaming it is okay to keep going. When a sub type person starts screaming the “safe word”, it is not okay to keep going. When the sub type person passes out without screaming the “safe word” first, you will be safe in assuming it is time to stop.

Dealing with subdrop.

Page 1, Paragraph 1. Subdrop is an actual physical reaction some sub type humans experience. The biggest problem with subdrop is that it is so totally unpredictable. Some subs don't experience it at all. Some only get a little tired for a day or two. Some go totally into full on depression. And it can change within the same sub from one experience to the next. You can do one type of play and the sub have no problems, go back a week later, do the exact same activity with the same intensity and the next day the sub is in the corner, hugging themself and crying. Learn about subdrop and what all it means. There are for real changes in the brain chemistry that bring it on. Learn how to cope with those changes. And yes, the dom ought to be involved with that. The Dom gets the sub type human there, the Dom should help get the sub type human out of it.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. Chocolate. Lots of chocolate. Preferably dark chocolate. 5 pounds ought to do. That's about 2.25 kilograms to those of you who use a rational system of weights and measures.

Page 1, Paragraph 8. If the sub type human picks up a knife and starts screaming "Don't you ever touch me again, you son of a bitch." Just run. At that point the sub type human has taken over their own aftercare.

On Collaring Your Sub Type Human and other serious shit like that

Page 1, Paragraph 1. Your Domly Domlinessness has attracted a sub type human who is also very attracted to you. Very good. Seems things are going well for you. But beware. There are pitfalls, snares and rabbit punches in the offing if you allow your Domlinessness to slip for one moment. Or a year or whatever. Take care to keep your Domlinessness and your sub type human well in hand. So, now you’ve heard of Collaring and need more information before you pop the big question. The following are a few guidelines that will help see you through this wonderful and mysterious event.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. Whether or not to Collar your sub type human is a serious decision to make. Many people within the BDSM community consider it nearly the equivalent of marriage. Some people take their collaring more seriously than their marriage. So, understand, if you decide to ask a submissive to wear your Collar, be sure to take it off first. Oh, and you might want to ask about this in private before you announce it. It is a private thing. Ever seen those guys at ball games on national television get down on a knee and the girl takes off? Same thing. Only with whips.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. The specific Collar you choose to place around the neck of your sub type human is a very individual decision. Some Domly Doms prefer a heavy leather Collar with a D-ring attachment for a leash. Some Domly Doms prefer a more jewelry like Collar with stones set in metal. Other Domly Doms just throw a log chain around ‘em and call it a day. Whatever type of Collar you choose for your sub type human mate, you will want to insure a proper fit so it can be worn with pride by your sub. If your sub type human turns blue and passes out shortly after the Collaring ceremony it is probably not because of overwrought nerves. Don’t just stand there, take the damn thing off ‘em.

Shit that'll get a sub spanked and other stuff like that.

Page 1, Paragraph 1. This section will deal with reasons to discipline sub type humans. There is a very real difference between disciplining a sub type and beating the living crap out of them. The first difference is an expectation of changed behavior. The second difference involves the local police. You will benefit by learning these differences.

Page 5, Paragraph 1. If a sub puts cayanne pepper in the Dom's underwear, the Dom has pretty much carte blanche on the punishment. That would be some time after the Dom soaks the offended genitalia in sour cream. Soaking the genitalia in sour cream just for the jollies of it is a different kind of kink and we will be not be discussing it in this manual.

Page 14, paragraph 3. Subs shall not lurk their Dom's posts without prior permission 'cause its distracting..and especially embarrassing to the Dom if she posts something that contradicts, in a public forum, what her Dom just said. That's a spanking. And a public apology in the same thread. And no cookies for her for a couple of days. And we aren't talking about chocolate chips.

High Protocol, Black Ties and (cat'o nine) Tails

Page 1, Paragraph 1. High Protocol events tend to be formal affairs and require dressing for the occassion. Think penguin. No, not The Penguin. He's fugly. Think George Clooney at the Oscars. Or think Gwyneth Paltraw at the same event. Depends on if you wear a dress or not. It does not depend on your gender.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. If your sub type human is female, a cock-tail dress would be appropriate. We'll let you think about that one for a while.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. "Get on you knees, bitch!" is not a polite manner to address your submissive upon first greeting at a High Protocol event. "Get on your knees, wench!" is more accectable.

Page 1, Paragraph 4. The submissive always goes on the right and a step behind the Dominant, standing or walking. Don't ask me where the salad fork goes.

Safe Play

Page 1, Paragraph 1. If you break your toy, you can't play with it anymore.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. Think through any new play plans you have for safety issues. Having the emergency squad show up in the middle of your session is distracting and will end the session.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. The Domly Dom is always responsible for the safety, care and well-being of the sub type human in the relationship. Always. Period. So if your sub type human’s foot gets stuck in their ear during an intricate bondage session, it is still the Domly Dom’s fault, no matter how you explain it to the emergency squad.

Safety During Suspension Play

Page 1, Paragraph 1. Do not hang the submissive by the neck. They discolor badly.

Page 1, Paragraph 2. Check the carry strength of any hooks or fixtures you plan to use during your play. This would include the chandeliers. Dropping a submissive on their head is really bad form. Having the chandelier then drop on to said sub type human is really, really bad form. Check your equipment, people.

Page 1, Paragraph 3. Hotel sprinkler systems are not to be considered as hard points for suspensions. Niether are moving fans for that matter. Or flag poles in front of police stations.

Definiations and Glossary and other what not.

vanilla – what you used to be when you had 3 minutes of sex and then said, “Oh, baby, that was good. What’s on TV?”
Bibliography, did you figure out that dictionary yet?

The Loving Dominant by John Warren and Libby Warren;Greenery Press;
September 30, 1994

The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella; Daedalus Publishing Company; August 1, 1994

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman; Greenery Press;
December 1, 2011

Disclaimer

I disclaim that any of this foolishness is actual for real advice. Some of it is though. If you can't figure out which is which, you require more help than this manual can give you. You need to get out more.

***Note: I did NOT write this but cross posted to share with a few friends. Thank you for such wit White!